i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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