We're like a lot better than the average bears
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
