Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so let's talk penis.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
