im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
