He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You're like the curious george of whores
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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