Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just pee around me
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
