I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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