Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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