I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
