ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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