he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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