She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
