Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
