I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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