the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
