I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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