You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
