I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
