Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
