I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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