my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
