Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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