I just threw up on my dentist
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
