The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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