soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
