I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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