Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
