I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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