I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
