my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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