Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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