Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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