I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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