3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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