I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
