Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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