if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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