the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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