you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
