remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
