worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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