she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
