No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
