I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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