You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
