just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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