I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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