I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
