I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
