He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
