Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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