She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
