What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
