I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
