My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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