She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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