I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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